I was playing Monopoly with my nieces and nephews over the Thanksgiving holiday. My little seven-year-old nephew rolled the dice and landed on the “go to jail...do not pass go” square. I was not paying attention so when he moved his board piece to that jail square, I asked “What are you doing?”He thought for a minute and replied, “I’m visiting my daddy.” This would have made for a well-timed joke except for the fact that his father is really in jail. Actually he has been in and out of prison every since my nephew was born.
Society would call him a career criminal. My little nephew still calls him daddy. He is like millions of other young Black boys whose fathers are imprisoned in the world’s most incarcerated nation, The United States of America. Black women are left to shoulder the burden of being mother and father, while their children’s dads languish in prison cells. Some are there for breaking the law and others for being at the wrong place at the wrong time without a good attorney.
The circumstances don’t matter to the child. It does not matter why daddy is in that place. Whether guilty or innocent, the hurt and disappointment feels the same.
Every time a judge sentences a father to 10 years in prison, he or she sentences a child to 10 years of pain. Once convicts are released, they are never the same, especially if they have a felony. This makes it more difficult to get employment and provide for the children.
The child is never the same either. Ten years without a primary male influence is a lot of critical exposure time to influences that could possibly land the little man in his dad’s top bunk. Every male child has a natural desire to see his father.
My dad was a hustler and I very rarely saw him. His lifestyle was so fast that nobody could keep track of him, not even himself. I wonder what is worse; not being able to find your father, or knowing exactly where he is in that big building with the bars downtown?
Many single-parent sisters whose children’s dads are incarcerated, are faced with the inevitable. One day that child will ask his mother about the whereabouts of his dad. Once he learns that his dad is incarcerated he may very well want to go and visit him. Here lies one of the most controversial unmentionable dilemmas of a single mom.
(A). Some mothers will honor their child’s request. They take the long drive to a prison in the middle of nowhere and allow their child to go through the rigors of visitation day. The child is allowed to brave the long lines, walk through the metal detectors, and have a father-to-son talk in the presence of armed guards.
The logic here, according to sisters who have exercised this option, is to allow the father to personally answer the child’s questions about his absence. Thus the mother can never be accused of trying to keep the child away from the father and placing the responsibility of atonement and reconciliation on the dad. Some also believe that the uncomfortable experience of visiting a loved one in jail will make the child never want to go to a place like that himself.
(B). Other moms choose to keep the child from visiting the incarcerated father in the interest of protecting the child. The logic commonly offered is that it’s counterproductive to voluntarily take their son to a place that they plan to try to keep him out of. If the father wants to be a part of his son’s life then he should straighten up his act and obtain a “get out of jail free” card.
Another argument says that it is better for a son to never see his dad altogether, instead of visiting him in a cage. This is a tough road that many single mothers have to cross when their son’s father is imprisoned. Of course, one can say the solution is simple.
Black fathers must consider their children before they commit an act that could render such consequences. But, realities in our community are not that ideal. Every week, through this column, I am blessed with the opportunity to tell the community what I am thinking.
This week we would like to know what you think. Should a single mother take her son to a prison to visit his father? Please comment
This editorial appeared in "Deric's Debate", Deric Muhammad's weekly column in the African-American New and Issues Newspaper.
Hot joint big brother. Blasting this one out.
ReplyDeleteASA. This is a powerful editorial. I know of female children who were told that they father was in prison, when I was a child. It may not seem (on the outside) to effect a female child as much as a male, but it does.
ReplyDeleteWe have women who were (are) forced to be mother and father. A woman who is hardened not only by the act of this man (which resulted in his being in jail), but you have a woman who is hardened because it's harder, as each generation passes, to raise children alone, be they male or female.
I don't think it's appropriate for a woman to take her child to see their father in prison or jail. Once the child is of age, then they can do what they feel is best for them. It's their decision.
It's humiliating for sisters who visit these brothers - the long wait in uncomfortable chairs, the guards, weapons, the institutionalized surroundings, searches, etc. We mustn't put our children through this humiliation that they will play millions of times, over and over in their impressionable minds. It's our jobs, no, responsibility, to try to protect what goes in and out of our child's mind.
If the child becomes 20, and decides to "meet" her/his father and the relationship is strained for the next 20 or so years, so be it. Maybe he should have thought of that before deciding to commit the act.